my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
