Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
