so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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