Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
