Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
