So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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