just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
