a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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