he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
