I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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