remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
