You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
