We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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