2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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