Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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