you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
If I die, sorry about rent.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
