Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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