Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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