You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
