cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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