she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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