I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
