Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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