my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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