9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
