I just threw up on my dentist
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't turn off my feet"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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