i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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