my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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