How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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