But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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