So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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