oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
