Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
