Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
