no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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