in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm always down for nudity.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
