Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
