dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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