I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We are two peas in an std pod
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize