sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
