I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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