Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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