I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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