sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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