Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
