bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
