We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
