Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
