checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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