I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
