so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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