insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
