so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
